Comfort Zone

We had a great time seeing Mom yesterday! Aspynne was so sweet to her, and I was even able to take some sweet pictures of her and her MiMi! Mom seemed overall in good spirits, and didn't seem in too much pain while we were there. I know that she is still very discouraged by her inability to move, but at least for the time we visited, was cheerful. She loves getting to see the girls...I just wish that we could get out to see her more often.

Addyson had a GREAT first week at her new gym. She trained 8 1/2 hours this week, including and hour in her new conditioning program, and she handled it very well! I asked her if it was too much or too hard and she, of course, said "no way." She was still flip-flopping around the house and doing handstands everywhere we went, so clearly, she hasn't had enough. :) I LOVE LOVE LOVE the new gym! I think it is going to be so great for her...I am very excited about the upcoming year(s) in her gymnastics career!

Aspynne is still doing great. I am picking up her 2nd refill of her prescription today, and still, she has seen no side effects to the medication. She is the sweetest, most loveable little girl EVER, and is absolutely perfect. God has done many mighty things in our lives...including healing our precious baby girl!

Pastor John gave a great sermon yesterday at VCC about stepping out of your comfort zone to follow God. About being willing to take that step to wherever God is leading you despite all of the trials, struggles and resistance that you know you are going to face. How true is it that we so often are willing to just settle because we are too lazy, scared and unsure about what would happen if we took a step out of our current complacency? After we left church yesterday, I began to think about what "comfort zone" I'm in that I know I need to leave, but haven't because of X, Y, Z.... I think I've figured it out. I will be praying over the next few days/weeks that I might hear God confirm that I truly have found the right thing. If it is what he is asking me to do, then I'm in....because I know that He is with me. I go with His peace and I need not fear.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9 (NKJV)

Just another little update...

Mom is doing somewhat better on her new pain regimen (the one I suggested, might I add). We are alternating Ibuprofen in between her pain pill doses, and it seems to be keeping her held over for the most part. Her biggest issue right now are the bed sores that they can't get to heal. The medicines are not working, they are getting worse, and are causing her a lot of pain. As of now, there are no infections in them, but that is what is coming if they can't get them under control.

Aspynne is great. She is still plugging along on the anti-seizure medications without effect, and is quite the chatty, happy little toddler. Her teeth seem to be bothering her the past few days, but that is to be expected at her age cutting all 4 molars at once. :)

Addyson is adjusting to school well....can you believe that next week is the end of the first 6 weeks? She got her very first "red light" yesterday for talking and not listening on multiple occasions, and then lied to us when we asked her if she got a green light yesterday. :( Please pray for her that we don't get on her too much for that. :)

As for us....life is busy. We are in meetings all week at the Corporate Office, and aren't home until late in the evenings, so this week is a whirlwind. I miss my babies and working from home, but all will be back in order next week.

Please continue to keep us in your thoughts as we embark on some personal decisions in our life about our careers, our family and our future. We are actively seeking direction from Him, and can use all the help we can get. With all this going on, I've often thought over the past few weeks "Why is life so hard? Why can't I go back to being 5 or 6 years old where my biggest concern was what kind of ice cream I'd like after school today!"

The most beautiful thing

Sorry again for the time that has elapsed since my last blog post... You guys should really ride me more often to keep this thing updated. :)

The family went to see Mom yesterday, and she is doing surprisingly better. She is alert, talkative and eating quite well. She seems overall in good spirits despite the constant pain that she is in, which is now our biggest problem. They have already tried a couple different pain medication regimens to no avail, so I asked my mom and dad to try something for me. I am by no means a doctor, but I thought I'd throw my 2 cents in, anyway.... Today, I called, and much to my surprise, they not only tried my suggestion, but it's working! Mom's pain was significantly better today than it has been, and she even slept fairly well last night! I am so glad. I am about to call and check on her again soon just to make sure that she is still doing well. I am so glad that I was able to suggest something that actually helped! (Thank you, God for that insight!)

As for Aspynne, things couldn't be better. We are 35 days seizure-free, and medicated successfully with absolutely NO side effects. God is so good. He has absolutely answered all of our prayers! Don't get me wrong, she's teething, she's tired, a little cranky, and getting quite defiant, might I add....but we welcome all of those things with open arms, as they are EXACTLY what an almost 19-month-old should be doing!

Addyson is doing great in school. She has had 2 straight weeks with :) days, and is just loving it. She has had no trouble adjusting to going to school or the new schedule (though she did sleep until 8 am yesterday morning which was nice). Tonight, after dinner, we came home and got ready for bed, read a book, and got ready to give hugs and kisses when Addyson told Bob that she was going to pray for a great day tomorrow, and that he was welcome to stay and pray with her if he'd like. We, of course, stayed and listened as she thanked God for a wonderful day today. She thanked him for two weeks of great days, prayed for more great days to come, and then, thanked God for being so wonderful to her mommy and daddy. She ended with an "I love you. Amen." That innocent little prayer was absolutely the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. Bob and I both left the room a little teary eyed!

I, too, thank God for how wonderful he has been to us. He has blessed us with a beautiful family, awesome friends and an amazing church.

So Proud!

Addyson competed in her 3rd meet of the season today. We've been working really hard on perfecting some skills, and working through some challenges she had in the past 2 meets. Let me just say.......WAY TO GO, ADDYSON!

I could just give you the scores, but I think it's important to let you know where we've come from....

Addyson started the day on bars. She just got her mill circle for the first time at practice on Thursday, but she didn't quite land it today (didn't really expect her to). We've been working on the other elements, though....and today, she scored an 8.150 on bars! (That's up from a low 7 in previous meets, which is FANTASTIC!)

From bars we moved on to the beam, which has been Addyson's nemesis at the last 2 meets. At both meets, she fell off the beam not just once, but twice, sending her score plummeting into the mid 6's. We have really been working on those skills and "sticking it," fighting to stay on the beam, and let me tell you... she did JUST that. She didn't fall off at all today...rocketing her beam score to an 8.7! I was hoping for a high 7...an 8, much less an 8.7 was much more than I ever could have hoped! She was so proud!

Next, was the floor routine. Addyson has all of the necessary skills on floor, we've just been dealing with some tightness and sloppiness issues. We've been practicing it over and over...and today, it REALLY REALLY paid off. Addyson scored a 9.2 on floor! That's up from a 7.8 at the last meet. Not only that, but it was the second highest score of the 15 girls on her team!

Addyson finished the night on vault, which she always performs well on. Tonight's score was down just slightly from last week, but the judges seemed to be a little tougher on vault tonight across the board. She got an 8.7 on her vault score.

That put her AA (all around) score at 34.75. That is up from her 2 previous outings at 32.1, which is a gain of 2.65! If you know anything at all about gymnastics, you know that over 2 1/2 points is MAJOR.

I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo proud of my baby girl. She was amazing tonight! She showed such maturity and dedication. Did I mention that she's the youngest on the team? By a full year? :)

As for the other things in my life (which have all been overshadowed tonight by Addyson's amazing performance), all is well for now. Aspynne is doing and feeling well. Still plugging along on her meds like a champ. Today was 29 days since her last seizure, which is the longest between seizures since we had the first one! I truly believe that she has been healed, and that she doesn't even need the medicine. I don't plan on stopping it, nonetheless, but I believe that season in our lives is over.

Mom is doing o.k....she was rather weak today, and is again having some stomach troubles, but all in all is awake, alert and eating fairly well. I hate that we didn't get to go see her this weekend, but it was a very busy weekend with a lot of much needed FUN!

Why???

Sometimes I just don't understand.

Just when things are really looking up. Just when I think I can let down my guard and be happy for a moment.....just ONE moment.

Tonight, I struggle with anger. I am trying to forgive as Jesus did, but right now, I just don't have it in me. Everything inside of my just wants to blow up, but I have managed to refrain. Partially because I am so dissapointed, angry and sad that I just don't even know what to say.

It is so frustrating that something can so quickly and so dramatically change your mood. How fast a great moment can be shattered. Why does it have to happen this way? I can't help but feel like it's Satan chasing me down. While I didn't physically feel good today, I felt good today. Worken on my bible study. Read my bible. Felt confident and strong in my faith. Just a few hours later, I am struggling to figure out how to be still and act as a true Christian should. Why is it when you are challenged to the very core do you feel like running in the opposite direction?

I am in such inner turmoil that I'm afraid I may have trouble sleeping tonight. Yay. Just what I need to help me feel even worse tomorrow.

Interruptions....

Seems that we've had a lot going on lately. So much so that I've neglected my blog for a couple days.

Mom is at home, and doing fairly well... she's awake, alert and communicating, and says she's not in pain. The only problem now is that she's not eating. She hasn't really eaten much of anything in around 12 days....just a little applesauce and pudding here and there. While that's a really good diet if you're 6 months old and supplementing with formula, I'm not sure it's going to give my 60 year old mom and her failing body the energy it needs to keep fighting. Her body has gotten so weak over the past month that she can't move a single part of her body except her head. She is, by all intensive purposes, frozen in place and completely dependent on someone else to move her, feed her, clean her, wipe her nose, itch her arm, you name it. I can't imagine that is fun.

I believe if I were in her place, I would remind myself of this passage every day:

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalms 73:23-26

Aspynne is still doing well on her anti-seizure medication. At the 9 days on full dosage mark, we still seem to be experiencing no side effects and she hasn't had another seizure. God is good. We are fighting another cold, and cutting all 4 molars (yay), but that is to be expected of an 18-month old. We saw the pediatrician yesterday about her "viral rash" that just won't go away, and she is sending us to have it checked out by a Pediatric Dermatologist. Aspynne now has a Pediatrician, a Pediatric Opthamologist, a Pediatric Neurologist and a Pediatric Dermatologist....
Does anyone else think thats a few too many doctors for an 18-month old? Geez.

Before I end, I would like to share something from this week's Bible Study. We are learning about Jonah, and his "interrupted" life. It is so easy to look at life's "interruptions" in a negative way (which I am so guilty of), instead of looking at them as Divine Interventions into our lives. It's easy to be so irritated by the interruption that you miss the good that comes out of it. How lucky are we that God even cares enough about our life to interrupt it? He uses interruptions to put us on a different path, change our course, and use us to glorify Him. I am going to work hard at changing my thought process when an interruption happens in my life. I am going to embrace it, welcome the challenge, and follow God onto whatever path or season he has in store for me.

I find myself thinking of following Him and the words of this song flow through my head:


Follow You
You live among the least of these
The weary and the weak
And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away
All my needs you have supplied
When I was dead You gave me life
How could I not give it away so freely?

And I’ll follow You into the homes of the broken
Follow You into the world
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy, God
Follow You into the world

Use my hands use my feet
To make Your kingdom come
To the corners of the earth
Until Your work is done
‘Cause faith without works is dead
And on the cross
Your blood was shed
So how could we not give it away so freely?

I give all myself
I give all myself
I give all myself to You

And I’ll follow You into the homes of the broken
Follow You into the world
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy, God
Follow You into the world

Mom is home!

Quick update for everyone:

Mom came home yesterday and is doing O.K. She's still extremely weak and is not eating much at all. She is very glad to be home, though.... I will be going to see her Sunday after church.

Addyson and I are in Weatherford tonight at a hotel getting ready for tomorrow morning's gymnastics meet! We have to be at the gym for warm ups at 7:45am. Yuck!

Aspynne is still doing great on her meds....a little sleepy, but great mood!

Thanks again for all of your continued support!

Yet another late night update....

We got the call this afternoon from Cook's about Aspynne's EEG. Everything was once again perfectly normal, with no signs of seizure activity! YAY! We will continue on the path we are on with the anti-seizure meds, but there are no signs for any other needed action at this time. It's been almost 3 weeks since the last seizure, and she is still doing great on her meds. They don't seem to be effecting her at all other than maybe being a little more tired.

As for Mom, she will be going home tomorrow morning. While she IS doing a little better than she was 2 or 3 days ago, she is still not doing well. She is starting to have some circulation issues where blood flow is not doing well on one side of her body. This is probably a combination of the MS progressing and being confined to a hospital bed in one position without ever getting upright. She is still not eating well, but seems to be drinking a bit more, and is definitely more alert and conversing with us (though it's very hard to hear or understand because of how weak her voice is). I still don't think that she has much time left with us here on this Earth. We will see how she does once she gets back in the comfort of her own home, but it really seems that her body is just no longer willing to cooperate. Please keep my Mom and especially my Dad in your prayers as tomorrow will be a major transition for them. I know that my Dad is worried about not being able to take care of her well enough by himself at home, but he knows that it is what she wants, so he will do his best (which is always more than I could ever ask of him).

I have a sore throat and don't really feel great myself, my back problems are coming back, so we're going to have to deal with that, and on top of ALL THIS....I have a couple other issues that are weighing on me. So...as always, I'm a big pile of need. Please keep me and my sanity (not that I had a lot to begin with) in your thoughts and prayers, as well.

Mental exhaustion...

I went to see mom this morning, and spent 2 hours sitting by her bedside. She was completely out, and was unable to respond to me, at all. It was horrible not being able to communicate with her, and watching her frequently wince in pain.

I went a saw a movie with Addyson, her friend and her friend's mom. It was nice just getting out with the girls and getting my mind off of everything for a couple of hours.

After the movie, I headed back up to see if mom was feeling any better. Apparently, part of what knocked her out was the anti-nausea meds they gave her (the new morphine made her nauseous). She was more alert this afternoon, and was able to talk to me off and on for about an hour. She ate a couple of bites of food for us, but she is not well. She hasn't had more than 5 bites of food and few sips of water since yesterday morning. Her body is getting weaker and weaker with each passing hour. Today, she can't even ring the bell to alert the nurses that she is in need of something.

I don't know how much longer we have with her. The doctor is planning to try to get her back home Wednesday or Thursday, depending on how she is doing, and we will go from there. I definitely think that she will be more comfortable at home, and right now, I think her comfort is about all we should be focusing on.

Aspynne had another great day....day 2 on full dosage, and no sign of any side effects. Tomorrow is back to the grind, which means it will be that much harder for me to juggle everything going on in my life. I need to find a way to go see my mom tomorrow...let's hope I can find a few spare minutes for her.

For now, I'm spent. This is all so mentally exhausting. I am so ready to be freed of all of this stress in my life.

Visiting Mom....

My dad joined us for service this morning at VCC! It was so great getting to introduce him to all the wonderful people we keep telling him about! By the awesomeness of His plan, my dad was able to visit on a day where communion was served, and the message was about not giving up. Coincidence? We think not. :)

Dad, Addyson and I went to visit Mom for a couple hours after church, and let me tell you, she looked really bad. Her hands have closed up so much that her nails are digging into her palms. Her feet have turned in, and her entire body is in pain. The doctor visited her this morning, and they decided to put in a permanent catheter, which she will keep, even when she returns home. She was also put on a twice a day 15mg morphine pill for pain. I have mixed emotions about both. While I know that the catheter is best for her and my dad, it means that she will be very tied to the bed, and I know that will wear her down quickly. The morphine will also begin to slow her down. It is a transition drug, and while we've been "expecting" this for a long time, and I say that I have had time to mentally "prepare," I am NOT ready.

To top it all off, we are not sure if my mom is saved...and I can't bear the thought of never seeing her again. At least if I knew she were saved, I know that this wouldn't be goodbye...but rather, see you later. I could rejoice in the fact that I knew she'd be with God and that I, and her granddaughters would be able to see her again one day. Though I think it might irritate her a little, I think I'm going to ask someone to go talk to her. As our pastor said this morning, we need to think less about what people would think of us, and more about what would glorify God, regardless of the persecution you have to endure for it.

I don't think it's going to be long. Today, I realized just how weak my mom is. She can barely even drink from a straw these days. I firmly believe that her mind is the only thing holding her on this Earth at this point, and when she let's go, I think it won't be a long journey to the end.

On a lighter note, Aspynne is doing great. She is still doing great on the medicine, and today started her full dosage. She is the same, wonderful Aspynne she has always been, and I am so grateful for that. God is good, and has truly answered our prayers.

Stress, stress and more stress...

First, for an update on Aspynne for those of you who are keeping up with this blog just for that reason. Aspynne is doing great. She seems in great spirits, and so far, doesn't at all seem to be affected by the medicine. Tomorrow we start full doses (we have been doing 1/2 doses thus far), so we will see if the increased doses affect her any differently. On another note, the viral infection that she has had for well over a month seems to really be coming back now. It seemed to get better for a bit, but now is kicking in again full force. She has a stuffy nose, a cough, and her rash is back, but doesn't seem to be bothering her. I think I'll call the pediatrician if it's still around by Tuesday just to make sure it's okay that it's been around this long.

As for the title of today's blog, a trip to my parent's house this morning turned out to be just a little more stressful than planned. As many of you know, my mom has M.S. and has been gettting progressively worse over the past several months. They hired a daytime assistant for my dad to help take care of her. Last week, they brough hospice in to give them some more help. Yesterday morning, my dad spent 2 hours just trying to get my mom out of her chair, with no success. He had to wait another hour for his assistant to arrive just so they, together, could get her up. Last night, my dad had such a hard time getting her ready for bed that he decided he just couldn't handle it anymore. (Mind you, he's 73...) When we arrived at their house this morning, there was a hospice nurse there, and my dad informed me that they had decided to take her by ambulance to a facility where she could get taken care of. After I asked about a thousand questions.....it all came down to this: She was being taken to an assisted living facility where this hospice company has several rooms where they care for patients....some that are getting ready to transition and their family member decided a facility would be best, and some, like my mom, who just needs a few days of special care to help get her back on her feet.

After I helped pack a bag for her, they came and took her away. I had Bob take the girls back home, and I went with my dad to the facility to check it out and to make sure she got settled in okay. They said that generally patients aren't there more than about 5 days, but that they, for sure, would keep her through the Labor Day holiday. We have known for quite some time that there would soon come a day that my dad couldn't do it anymore, but it was quite hard seeing that day come to fruition.

I know that my mom's heart is breaking right now having to be in a facility. Though it probably is truly better for her, it's so hard to see someone that is 100% in their right mind, and their body just won't work.

It was also a little hard explaining to Addyson today that an ambulance would be coming to take MiMi away and that they were going to help her get better. There was a nagging part of me that wondered if she'd ever come back home (though I believe she will).

As an only child, and only 31 years old it is really hard to think about losing one of my parents. I have said for a few years now that I just wanted to get to the point where Addyson would remember her....and I think at 5 1/2, we are there.

There is one good thing that came out of my mom going into that facility today. My dad is going to accompany us to church tomorrow morning! My dad who is the most devout follwer of Christ I have ever known hasn't been able to attend service in quite some time because of caring for my mom. I am so excited that he is going to get to expericence Valley Creek with us! After church we will have lunch, and then my dad and I will go to see mom again and make sure that she's doing okay.

For now, I am once again fried. I know it says that God won't give you more than you can handle, but I hope he feels like I've got enough because I'm not sure how much more I can take at this point.

In the day when I cried out, You answered me,

and made me bold with strength in my soul.

--Psalm 138:3 NKJV

Day 3.....with an EEG

Today began for the entire family at 6:45am. We woke Aspynne up the same time Addyson gets up to get ready for school. Aspynne wasn't too thrilled about being up so early, but was finally pursuaded by her high chair and the promise of some num nums. She ate great and played for a while, but by 8:30am, she was tired, cranky and ready for bed. Only problem is....she wasn't allowed to sleep. She had to have 8 hours of awake time prior to her EEG at 3pm. Yay.

Whitney took Aspynne to the mall where she "played like a champ," and strolled around the mall for a while. I met them for lunch at McD's, where she ate great, and again played very well for quite some time. We left for Cook's just before 1:30pm, and Aspynne was a wreck. She had been trying to fall asleep in the car on the way home from the mall...how in the world were we going to get to Ft. Worth with her awake? Well, I sat in the back with her, and fed her. The whole way there. :)

We arrived at Cook's around 2:30pm, got checked in, and waited for them to call us in for the EEG. Right at 3pm, they got us, and we headed to the procedure room (which was NOTHING like the last one we had, might I add. I guess there's something to be said for having things done in Plano....) Anyway, Aspynne was NOT cooperative this time when the tech wanted to measure and draw all over her head, clean the spots and then glue, yes glue, the nodes to her scalp. She screamed bloody murder the entire time, and seeing that there are 21 brain nodes plus one on each cheek and one on both sides of her chest, the entire time was nothing shy of FOREVER.

After all the nodes were attached, her head was wrapped up, and we were ready to begin. She had to lay on her back while they flashed a stobe light in her face. I guess it was irritating enough that she closed her eyes to try to avoid it. Closing her eyes made her realize how tired she was, and she started to wail again. Oh, joy. After the strobing was over, it was time to try to get her to sleep. They need part of the EEG to be done while she is asleep, which is why we had to sleep deprive her...to "ensure" that she would fall asleep. Being the fantastic mommy that I am, I laid down on the hospital bed, flipped her up on my chest, hugged her and her night night baby nice and tight, and she was out....in seconds. She slept quietly and peacefully for about 20 minutes, then the tech flipped on the lights and said it was time to wake her up (since some of the study also must be done awake). I'm sure you can imagine how happy she was to be awake.

10 minutes of awake time and we were done with the study. The tech unwrapped her head, soaked it, and then proceeded to pull the tape and glue-covered nodes out of her hair. Once again...we had an unhappy baby. I felt so badly putting her through this again, but she really was a trooper. She is so strong.

As for her medication, it's hard to say if it affected her at all today, because while she was cranky, mad and quite angry...she would have been that way due to the lack of sleep, medication or not. So...I don't think it's affecting her. At least not for now. She is precious.

Now, she sleeps peacefully upstairs in her bed, and Bob and I finally sit down to take a breather. It's been quite a day. We most likely because of the holiday weekend won't hear EEG results until Tuesday. I will, of course, let all of you know as soon as I find out.

Oxcarbazepine Day 2

Not too much to report today. Pretty normal day around the Greenwood house....for whatever "normal" is these days. :)

Aspynne slept in until 11am this morning, got up, ate like a champ and was back down by 2pm. She seemed overly tired today, which we were told to expect this first week, especially. Other than being a little cranky (which I blame on being tired), she was great. In a good mood, played well, ate great, and went to bed without a fight.

On a completely different note, I think her little cold is back because she's got quite the cough and runny nose today. :( She and her sister seem to be playing sick tag. Yay.

Sleep deprived EEG tomorrow at 2pm at Cook's. Aspynne must be awake for 8 hours preceeding the procedure, which means she'll be getting up alongside her sister tomorrow morning at 6:45am. She won't be allowed to nap at all tomorrow...and then I have to get her to fall asleep during the EEG so that they can get "sleeping" brain waves. The first EEG went flawlessly, so I am praying for a repeat performance. Aspynne is a champ, and I know she'll do great.

I'll update you all tomorrow after the EEG.

Oxcarbazepine Day 1

Aspynne took two half doses of her medication today. She took it fine....didn't seem to mind the taste at all, which is good.

She didn't take a morning nap despite how tired she was. Not sure if it was due to the morning medication or just because of her crazy schedule the past few days.

Nonetheless, she did crash around 1pm today, and slept over 4 hours! (Drowsiness is normal in the beginning, so I'm not surprised by this one).

She woke up around 5:30pm tonight, ate well, and then proceeded to play while we waited for Addyson to get home from gymnastics.

By the time we all sat down to dinner at 8pm, Aspynne was D.O.N.E. She was very cranky, seemed mad and very agitated at everything. None of us could do anything to soothe her. She even refused a bite of chocolate cake!

I am so worried that this is what we have to look forward to on these meds. I am going to chalk today up to a crazy past few days, and no morning nap....but I sincerely hope that these are not side effects that are showing up from only two half doses. I am so scared that I am going to lose the most precious little personality I've ever known.

I have prayed over and over again today that she'll be back to my little Aspynne tomorrow.

Cook Children's Visit

Today we headed out to see Dr. Scott Perry at Cook Children's Hospital in Fort Worth. We waited all of 2 minutes before being called back where Aspynne got weighed and measured. We proceeded to our room where they were going to take Aspynne's BP before the Dr. came in, but Aspynne wasn't too thrilled about the cuff...so guess what they did? They took the machine away and said no biggie, we don't need it if it's going to make her upset. Wow. Welcome to Cook's!

We waited all of 2 minutes and the Dr. was in our room. Wow. Dr. Perry spent almost 30 minutes with us today, which is amazing! The old neurologist gave us 5 minutes max before he shuffled us out the door with no more knowledge than we came in with.

The doc spent quite some time "checking out" Aspynne, playing with her, assessing her actions, movements, etc. He stepped out to look over her MRI, came back and talked with us some more.

Here is what we learned today:

Aspynne is most likely having "partial" not "generalized" seizures. This means that they start in one part of her brain and travel to another. It is not uncommon for one to feel these coming on...which would explain why she came to me last time. It is also a clue that we need to find the part of her brain where they are starting. Dr. Perry asked if we remembered which direction she fell, if her head went a certain way, or if her eyes pulled to a certain size when she was seizing. We are pretty positive that she often goes to the right, which means the seizure is coming from the left hemisphere of her brain.

Dr. Perry was also interested in the tosis (lowering of the eyelid) that she had on the left side of her face. He asked about our visits with her Pediatric Opthamologist...and what she had said. I had breifly thought there might be a correllation, but the old neuro didn't seem interested, and I had dismissed it. Aspynne's whole left side of her face is "droopy," as if in someone that had a stroke. I read today about a similar toddler that had in fact, had a stroke.....in utero. It had never occurred to me that this could even happen, but it is a possibility.

The doctor also advised that we go ahead and put Aspynne on anti-seizure medication. We had previously been very skeptical and leery of this because of all the bad side effects the other neuro had advised us of. However, Dr. Perry explained it to us....and told us WHY it's important that we go ahead and medicate. First, while neurologists are fairly confident that one or two short seizures such as Aspynne had don't do any severe neurological damage, they are not certain of what kind of damage multiple, continued seizures can cause. Allowing her to just continue to have seizures would not be good for her or her brain, and could, in the long run, cause some long-term effects on her brain. Secondly, even though her first 3 seizures have all been less than 2 minutes, and identical, that doesn't mean that the next one or the one after that will be the same. There is nothing that says one of those seizures couldn't be the 20 or 30 minute one that causes significant brain damages and changes her life forever. The only way to stop the seizures is to medicate. And, with the right medication, we should be able to get her to a seizure-free state with minimal, if any, side effects for a couple of years and then wean her off the medication all together. Dr. Perry has chozen Oxcarbazepine for her due to it's very low percentage and mild occurrence of side effects. It also has a pretty wide range of dosing options, so we can start her out on a very small dose, and increase as needed until we get to the right dosage where she is no longer having any seizures.

Dr. Perry has also asked us to do another EEG. Not only does he want one in his own facility that he can review himself, but something could show up on this one that the first did not show. We are scheduled for another sleep deprived EEG this Thursday at 3pm.

Overall, we learned a LOT. We absolutely loved the new facility and the new Dr., and really feel that we are on the right track. While we are not thrilled about medicating her, we now understand why it is the right move at this point. We know that if we see side effects that we don't like, we can switch to another medication until we find the one that is right for her.

For those of you on the prayer wagon....what we pray for now is that we can go easily onto this medication, and that we do not see ANY side effects. Aspynne is the most precious little girl ever (yes, I'm biased). Her personality is PERFECT and we don't want ANYTHING to change that.

I will keep you all updated as we progress onto the meds, and after the EEG on Thursday.

Aspynne Update 8-26-10

What an emotional roller coaster of a day.

We awoke this morning shortly after 5am so that we could get up, get ready and head for the hospital. Everything went smoothly getting Aspynne up at 6, dressing her in some comfy pj's, scooping up her favorite baby and heading out the door. I felt a little bad that I couldn't give her anything but a sip of water, but as any "day surgery" would have it...that's all she could have.

We arrived plenty early, got checked in and were escorted to our room. We proceeded down several long white hallways and turned the corner toward Room 23. That's where it really begin to sink in. As we walked into the room, we were greeted by a hospital "baby" bed, and the tiniest little yellow hospital gown I've ever seen. It was really sad. I have such a newfound respect for parents who have had to spend countless hours in hospitals with their little angels.

We had to wait a little over an hour before they came to get her for her MRI, and without the ability to bribe and pass time with food, but she really did well. After some Clifford and some time playing with Mommy & Daddy's shoes, it was at last, time to head downstairs to Radiology.

I went into the MRI room with Aspynne as Bob looked on from the door. I laid her down on the table, and the anesthesiologist put the mask over her face. She fought hard for a few seconds, but I held her hand, rubbed her hair, and tried to calm her down. I kept telling her that it would be alright, and to go to sleep, the whole time imagining how I'd feel if something went wrong, and I was the one telling her to just go to sleep. After a few more seconds, she got still, looked at me, and after a few more breaths and some eyelash flutters, my baby was under. Despite the tears, the anestheisologist made me leave her (meany), and Bob and I headed to the waiting room.

The staff was amazing, updating us 5 minutes into the procedure to let us know that she was doing great, again at 15 minutes, and with 5 minutes to go. I looked up, and a nurse was holding her, motioning us to come take her out in the hallway.

While I held her we were wheeled back to our room where we would wait for the anesthesia to wear off. Surprisingly, she became really angry and violent coming off the drugs, but we kept being reassured that was normal. After about 30 minutes, she was calming down, and we were being discharged!

We brought her home where she ate a big lunch (go figure), played for a while, and headed down for a nap. Bob and I headed up to church so that we could pray. We spent quite some time at the alter. I can't speak for Bob, but I prayed that God had heard our prayers. I prayed that he had healed her, and I prayed that we wouldn't see a thing on that MRI.

We went upstairs to say hi to a couple of the staff members when my phone rang. It was the pediatrician saying she had already read and received the report from the MRI, and the scan was completely normal. There was nothing absolutely NOTHING wrong in her brain. Hallelujah! Bob and I headed back downstairs to thank God for his swift response to our prayer! He is so good!

While we are back to not knowing what is causing the seizures, we do know that it is NOT one of the bad things that could be causing them. And that, my friends, is GREAT news!

Aspynne is in great spirits this evening, eating and playing well. Her poor little eyes are all red and tired, but she is so strong. She is going to be just fine.

Thank you all for your prayers and support. I have no doubt that God heard and answered our prayers.

Aspynne Update 8-23-10

Can I just start by saying that I dropped my baby girl off at Kindergarten this morning?!?!? I can't believe that she is already in school. Where did the time go?

After drying my tears from the morning drop-off, I scooped up Aspynne to take her to the pediatrician. While this was her "18 month checkup," this is the first time we've seen the Pediatrician since the first seizure, and she was unaware that we had experienced a third on Saturday.

Aspynne's checkup went well. She has a viral infection that is causing her rash, her runny nose and her lovely diarreah, but it's nothing to worry about and just needs to run its course. I did find out that when Aspynne's immune system is weakened by something like a virus or an infection that she is more prone to seize, so it will be imperative that we try to keep her well and get her a flu shot this year.

I spoke with the Pediatrician about her episode on Saturday, and about our bad second visit with our current Neurologist. I told her that we did NOT want to have to go back to him, and that we wanted to put all of our efforts into getting into Cook Children's. She was behind us 100%, and said that she would call to see if she could get them to move up our October 27th appointment.

I had no more than pulled out of the parking lot of the Dr.'s office when Bob called me saying that the Dr.'s office had just called him, and that they had gotten us an appointment at Cook's for Monday. ?!?!?! This Monday??? As in a week from today? Yep....that's what I'm saying!

It's great news that we will get to go to Cook's so soon and get to talk to another Pediatric Neurologist about what's been going on with Aspynne. We will have the MRI in hand by then for them to examine, and we will take with us the EEG that was previously done, as well. With any luck, we will know something very soon.

I'll keep you all updated.

Aspynne.....

Ok, so I know that there are many people out there praying for Aspynne and our family..... Some that know exactly every detail of what's transpired, others who were just asked to jump in and pray for us this weekend at VCC.

Either way, I thought that regularly updating this blog with updates as we move forward in this process would just be the easiest way to keep everyone "in the know."

For those of you who don't know what's exactly going on, it all started July 13th. Aspynne had a seizure in the morning, while at home, shortly after she awoke. It was very chaotic, as I had never seen a seizure, much less ever held my child in my arms while she appeared as if she were going to die any second. I fell to my knees, begging God not to take her from me. We called 911, who responded in less than 5 minutes, in which time the seizure had long since ended, and thus began our journey.

Several hours that day were spent at the pediatrician's office being monitored, blood tested, etc... Everything seemed fine. The pediatrician scheduled us for an EEG, and got us an appointment with a Pediatric Neurologist for two days later. Aspynne had to be "sleep deprived" for the EEG because they needed to get some sleeping brain waves, so that was an undertaking, but she did amazingly well. She went right to sleep in mommy's arms, and didn't cry once when they were gluing or removing the 21 nodes that were attached to her head.

The EEG was clear. She does, in fact, have quite "mature" brain activity for her age. (Whatever that means). The Neurologist assured us that sometimes these things just happen in children. Freak accidents that you never know the cause of.... We talked about the what if's, and we went on about our way, knowing that she was only about 25% to have a second seizure.

It was really rough those first few days after the seizure. I started out not being able to look at her without seeing her eyes rolled into the back of her head. Then I became fearful of her every step. Finally, I was scared to be alone with her...my own child. I asked for healing, strength, understanding, peace. After a few days life returned to normal, and it was just something really scary that happened once upon a time.

Then came August 10th. Seizure #2. I was at the office when I got the call from Bob asking me to come home. He had stepped out for lunch, and the nanny had gotten her through it. It was identical to the first. Around a minute, generalized, all over, typical tonic-clonic seizure. We called the Neurologist and basically got a "we'll put it in her chart" and a "let us know if you guys decide you want to medicate her." Needless to say, those weren't the answers we were looking for.

A nice little chat with our pediatrician got us another visit with the Neurologist (that we didn't care for to start with), but as I quickly found out, I don't have many options. Children's Medical Center has to have a board decide if you can even be a patient of theirs, and then you have to wait months to get an appointment. While no board decision is needed to get into Cook Children's, it isn't much of a shorter wait. We got an appointment for Oct. 27th, and decided in the meantime to go ahead and take the next step in having an MRI.

We went to the neurologist Friday morning, and he basically told us that he "didn't have anything to tell us that he didn't tell us last time." We did, however, get to ask some questions about the upcoming MRI, so at least the appointment wasn't completely in vain.

Yesterday, August 21st, marked seizure #3. This time, only 11 days after the last. We were visiting my parent's house for the day, and we hadn't been there just a few minutes when she had this episode. I knew from the moment I got her up yesterday morning that she "wasn't right." I even told Bob that we need to keep an eye on her because I just felt something was wrong. Aspynne walked right up to me and sat down before the seizure came on. She looked into my eyes as if to tell me it was about to happen. I saw it, and reached for her head right as it went down to the floor. Same story as the first two....identical in almost every way.

This morning, Sunday, August 22nd, we had a large host of individuals pray over her at church during service. Elders, pastors, friends, teachers, and several others all joined forces in asking God to heal her. I know he heard our prayer. While it is painful, I know that he is in control of both her and this situation, and I know that he can heal her.

Tomorrow, we go back to the pediatrician for her 18 month checkup, get some shots, let her know about seizure #3, and talk about our game plan to get our appointment at Cook Children's moved up.

Thursday, we have an MRI scheduled for Aspynne at Presbyterian of Plano at 9am. She will have to go under anesthesia for the procedure, and we will be there a few hours, but don't forsee any reason why we won't be home shortly after noon (after a trip to VCC where they will be hosting a day of prayer & fasting).

The MRI could show us what's wrong...tumor, cyst, bleed, spinal fluid leak, malformation, etc. Or...it could not. If it does not, we'll be focusing more on if we think we need to medicate her with anti-seizure meds, which is a whole other ballgame. I'll fill you in on all the lovely risks of those medicines next time. For now, I've just recounted so much of this that I am spent.

Please continue to lift us up in your thoughts and prayers. I ask that you pray for Aspynne and her healing. I also ask that you pray for Addyson, her sister, and her patience and understanding. Addyson starts Kindergarten tomorrow, and she hasn't been getting quite the attention she deserves lately because of how tied up we have been with Aspynne. I also ask that you keep Bob & I in your thoughts as we continue to try to be strong for our daughters and get answers for our family.

Thanks again to every single one of you that prayed over us today. It was truly amazing.

A Fearful Farewell

Well, in less than an hour, Bob & I will leave the house, get in the car, head to the airport and board a plane to Boston for a week.....WITHOUT the kids. Though this is not the first time we have gone on a trip without them, this trip has me worried much more than the first.

I was very excited about this trip. So anxious to get away, spend a few days with colleagues, and then a couple more just Bob and I. And then? The seizure. It happened less than 2 weeks before we were to leave, and I immediately said I wasn't going. Doctors, Bob, the nanny, friends and family convinced me otherwise, so off I go.

This morning I asked a special friend at the church to pray that the girls would be fine while we were gone. She saw right through me. She said and I quote, "The girls WILL be fine. I'll pray for YOU." Am I that transparent? LOL. I balled my eyes out this morning in church just thinking about leaving, and asking God over and over to take care of them...and us...while we are gone. I asked for save travels, a safe return, and protection of all those involved in their care while we are gone. And though I am confident he will answer my prayer and deliver once again, I am fearful. I am scared to be so far away...this time more than ever. So, I need your prayer.

While I may not have found all that God has in store for me, I do know one of his purposes for me, and that is to be a mother. I love my kiddos so much....you never realize just how much until you're about to walk out the door. I can't wait to get back home, and I haven't even left.

Finding Purpose

So, a lot of time has passed since I've blogged. I don't really have a good excuse other than I've been busy...in a slump of sorts....lazy....any of those would work in my book.

As many of you know, last week was very traumatic for the Greenwood family, as our little one Aspynne, had a seizure on Tuesday morning out of nowhere. We spent all week stressing, having tests done, etc....only to find that she's just perfect (which we already knew). God has been amazing to me since last Tuesday...and it's really lit my fire. During Aspynne's seizure, I fell to my knees and cried out to God to save her. He did. The next day, I begged him to take the images of her seizing from my mind, as I could not get past them. He did. A couple days later, I asked him to please deliver me from being afraid to be around her. He has.

Yesterday, Addyson asked Jesus for a rainbow. And within minutes, he delivered.

He's given me so much this week....and I have to ask myself what I've given him. I've been volunteering in the Nursery/Preschool at church the past few weekends, and I'm really enjoying it. I would have never thought it would be something I wanted to do, but I felt called, I listened, and I am loving it.

A guest speaker at our church yesterday spoke about our "calling." I know that I've been chosen, and now, I feel like I'm being called. I just don't know where. I feel like there is something great out there for me. Something that I will truly love that I can serve Him and fulfil all of his plans for me doing. Maybe the Nursery/Preschool is the beginning of that "training" that I need before he sends me out....maybe it's not.

Bottom line is....I'm not sure how to find it. I am praying...because I know he answers prayer...that he will show me. I want it handed to me on a platter, or flashed in front of me like a neon sign. I'm ready. I'm willing. I just need to know where to go.

If you read this, say a little prayer for me. Pray that I will find whatever it is that God has for me to do so that I can take that leap of faith and follow His instruction.

It's not that I don't love my job, or my life, or where I'm at right now, I just feel like there's something MORE.

Insecurity

Tonight we (a group of women from Valley Creek) started our summer book reading of Beth Moore's book So Long Insecurity: You've been a bad friend to us. It was great to be there...at church, surrounded by a bunch of women who are all fighting the same, but different, battles.

I loved the first couple chapters of the book and can't wait to read the rest. I got something tonight, however, that I didn't get while reading...

As several women were brave enough to share what they are insecure about I started thinking about what it is that I am most insecure about. And what did I realize?

I am insecure about being insecure.

Good grief. Really? Here I am with a bunch of women that have all kinds of insecurities. Women who are ready to share them, reach out for help with them, and most importantly, break free of them. And here I am, sitting there thinking What do they think of me? I'm the youngest one here. My story couldn't possibly top that. They all have a friend here. All these women look better than me. Their reasons behind their insecurities are so much better than mine. Heck...I don't even know what mine are!

I have a couple of thoughts...

#1. I have acceptance issues. I always have. I don't know what they stem from or what the root cause of these issues is....but I aim to find out. I am asking God to reveal the source to me so that I can break free.

#2. I always struggle with the fact that I don't have many friends. I realized tonight that the reason I probably don't have any friends is because I've let insecurity be my friend...and there's no room for anyone else. You've been a VERY bad friend, indeed!

I think if I can conquer these issues (which I believe are one in the same), I think I will be a whole new person. Someone that isn't constantly insecure about self worth. Someone that isn't incessantly self-consious. Someone that doesn't have a never-ending need to compare myself to others. Someone that doesn't pick fights just to win them so I can feel better about ME.

I look forward to the next chapter, and our next book club meeting. I look forward to praying very hard over the upcoming days and weeks for God to show me and reveal to me what's causing all this bondage. Beth Moore says that while insecurity is an epidemic, it's curable...and I want to be free.

Life is too short...

Today, I am reminded that life is too short. Life is too short to live with regrets. Too short to bog yourself down with worries and stress. Too short to be selfish or worry about worldly posessions. Too short not to get right with God NOW.

Today, is the one year anniversary of the death of someone very special. Someone that was very special to my best friend...and my best friend is very special to me. Over the past year, he has accomplished so many amazing things...

I look into the future, and I hope that as I begin to lose my family, that I will be able to carry on their memory as well as he has. I hope that I can one day take part in an MS walk to honor my mom...

I am nothing short of amazed at how God can take death and turn it into something so important to someone left behind on this Earth. It just reminds me that it IS all part of his plan, and that the grace and goodness of Him can be found in ANY situation....if you are just willing to listen.

Today, I will donate to our cause...and in October I will walk again in his honor. I am proud to be a part of the celebration of this day.

Want to donate? http://pages.lightthenight.org/ntx/DallasL10/AGreenwood

Why am I so blah???

Yesterday, I was very excited to get to church. I always enjoy my time at VCC, and was very much looking forward to another inspiring Sunday. Bob and I arrived with just minutes to spare. We hurried the kiddos into their respective classrooms, and made it into the worship service with 1:30 to spare! All was well. Sunday had officially begun!

We sang along and praised God with the worship team, and as I sang I prepared to hear about another of Jesus' amazing miracles. (We began a new 7 week series last week). After worship, they took the offering, and announced that Pastor Kevin was not going to be giving the message this week. For a moment, I thought we might get to hear another amazing message from Assoc. Pastor John Stickl. Nope. There was a guest speaker from a Church in India there to give the message today. Now, I know I shouldn't be...and it's probably wrong on 1000 different levels, but this is my blog. For my thoughts. And I'll say it.... I was DISAPPOINTED. Sure, his message was good, but it's not what I was hoping for. What I had been looking forward to ALL WEEK.

To top it off, yesterday was the last of our CORE classes with Eric Hill. I have enjoyed that time so much every week. I have learned so much, and he inspires me to learn so much more. But now it's over, and that, too, is disappointing.

I'm not sure what's going on these past 10 days or so. Bob and I started a nightly reading together last Sunday that was supposed to run 40 days. We did 3, and haven't done one since. Bob missed bible study last week. I haven't picked up my book in almost 2 weeks.

I guess I need a swift kick in the you know what to get jump started. Today, our nanny and I are back on the diet. I lost 20 pounds in January, and I've gained 10 of it back. Talk about backsliding... UGH!

Today, I'm going to pray to be inspired. I'm going to pray that God will give me the desire, the strength, and the discipline to stay focused on my journey. I don't want to go back to where I was...it was not a happy place.

Unproductive & Uninspired

Haven't written this week, which makes me sad. I've been super busy, really tired, and quite frankly, haven't had much to say.

I am disappointed, as I thought this week would hold more for me...would be something more grandeur with the baptism on Sunday. Instead, I haven't really had anything going on...other than the normal day-to-day that is my life with a full-time job, a husband, and two kids.

Today, I'm having a garage sale, which I'm quickly realizing isn't going to be much without the "community garage sale" advertising to go behind it. While I've been sitting here alone this morning, I've been thinking about my week...and how I am so very ready to start a new one tomorrow. I need to be inspired.

Our Amazing Day

Today was such an amazing day! Bob and I were both baptized this morning at church....for different, yet similar reasons...

As many of you know, Bob recently came to know Jesus as his Lord and Saviour. As his next step, and as a sign of his obedience, he came forth to be baptized today.

I can tell you that it was truly amazing on so many different levels. I was so proud for Bob to be there to witness his baptism. I was so excited to see him take this next step in his journey with Christ. It was equally amazing to see Bob be baptized by someone he looks up to and respects so much. Someone who has been an integral part of helping relay the messages of God to Bob.

It was also amazing as I "officially" started my new journey today! As I said this morning (in front of several hundred people), I have known God for a very long time, but I turned my back on him. I walked away. But he never gave up on me. He was always chasing me...trying to get me back on his path. I am ready. I am His. I am giving myself (all of myself) to Him to do as he desires. I am ready to listen. I am ready to obey. Today marked a new beginning for me. A fresh start. Not many times in life do you get a "do over," but God is gracious...and he has once again forgiven me of my sins! I was also very proud to have someone perform my baptism that I have been drawn to over the past few months. She is such an amazing woman!

Maybe the most amazing of all, is the outpouring of support that Bob and I received today. A friend from way back came out of the woodworks today to be there to witness our baptisms. A leader from the church (who was not going to be there today) came. Just to see us baptized. Another leader that we have grown very close to was there...not to watch on the screen, but in the atrium to experience it with us first hand, and it was truly amazing. I am so greatful for all of these people...not to mention my husband for being there to support me today.

The changes we have been making in our lives have already proven to be effective in our marriage, our parenting, and our friendships. I can't wait to see what God has in store for us!

When He had been baptized, Jesus came up immediately from the water; and behold, the heavens were opened up to Him, and He saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting upon Him. And suddenly a voice came from heaven, saying, "This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased." Matthew 3:16-17

A few updates...

So many things going on!!!

I met with the Communications Pastor from church yesterday about helping out and volunteering on the Communications team. I am so excited to get more involved!!! It was great sharing thoughts and ideas, and I am very much looking forward to spending more time with her and the team! It just further confirmed my desire to be able to "work" at church! I think those people are so blessed to get to spend all day, every day in such an awesome place.... I aspire to get there myself, one day! Also...as far as connections go, I'm also meeting with another one of the Pastors from church on Monday to talk about a new "project." I am anxious to know what it is, but again...very excited to get more involved!

I am being baptized on Sunday at the 9:30am service! This is going to be such an amazing and refreshing experience for me! A wonderful woman that I have quickly grown close to at the church will be baptizing me, and I am super excited that she is going to share in this with me! I am being baptized again as a symbol of renewal...a "fresh start" in this journey with Jesus Christ!

My grandfather has been through quite a series of tests and appointments this week, and they have decided that radiation is the best course of action for him to fight the prostate cancer. They think that it will be the least invasive, and take the smallest toll on him of all the options. We know it's not going to be a cakewalk, but it's the lesser of the three evils. He meets with the radiologist next Wednesday to go over the course of treatment (8 weeks worth), and we will go from there. We will be talking with my parents on Sunday when we go to visit about how we are all going to make it work. Who's going to handle what responsibilities when Grandpa is weak and unable to keep their household running. It's times like this when I don't like being an only child!!!

I know many of you are aware of the struggles we've been having with Addyson over the past year and a half or so. Well, after just a few counseling sessions, I am happy to report that we have decided not to go back. We have been doing much better...we've even had 2 time outs this week that DIDN'T result in a fit. WOW.... miracles really DO happen! (I don't think the changes we've been making in ourselves has hurt, either!) :)

That's about it for now.... I'll keep you posted!

Oh!!! I almost forgot! We signed Addyson up for her very first VBS!


I'll set you as a seal upon my heart, as a seal upon my arm. For there is love that is as strong as death...jealousy demanding as the grave. And many waters cannot quench this love. You won't relent until you have it all. My heart is yours. Come be the fire inside of me, come be the flame upon my heart. Come be the fire inside of me, until you I are one. --Misty Edwards "You Won't Relent"

Bad News Day

Just when things are starting to look up.

Today, I found out my Grandpa has prostate cancer. We don't know too much yet, but we know it's there. He has an appointment with the Oncologist tomorrow. He had a biopsy done yesterday, and was postponed for quite some time because his blood pressure shot up into the mid 200's. Not good. He was very nervous....as expected. He is also the only reason Grandma is still around. She had a stroke about 5 years ago, and has had an amazing recovery thanks to him. However...she is weak and doesn't take stress well, and just the thought of Grandpa having cancer, will probably kill her.

My Grandma is well into her 80's, and Grandpa turns 79 in July. Now, I know that they have lived a long life, and that it's natural progression at their age to start to have health issues...but it still sucks. My dad is 73 this year...(he was 42 when I was born), and my mom will be 60 in November, but has MS, and most likely won't see her 60th birthday. Dad's health is deteriorating just from how much he's had to take care of Mom lately...and his health, too, is starting to fade. I came to the realization earlier this year that I most likely will not have any parents or grandparents left by the time I'm 40. That's young! Too young! Now keep in mind that I'm only 30...so that's assuming God allows one of them to hang on for TEN MORE YEARS.

What saddens me is that my girls aren't going to experience "grandparents" the way I did. They aren't going to have "weekend's at Mimi's" to share with us and all their friends. The worst part is that they probably won't remember them at all, except for stories we tell and pictures we show them, and to me, that is sad. I lost my Granny at 15, and I thought that was way too soon. The difference? I know I'm going to see her again. She was a child of God, and I know that she was a believer. Grandma and Grandpa aren't Christians. I have my doubts about Mom. Dad...he'll be there, but I don't know if I'll ever see these people again once they're gone, and that causes me great sadness.

If you pray, please pray for my family in the upcoming months as we battle cancer, MS, old age, and everything in between. Pray that we can make some family memories that I can tell my girls about in a few years when they will remember them. Pray that there will be opportunities to get pictures that can be passed down through generations. Pray, most of all, for God to bless me with strength, knowledge and understanding so that I might, through Him, be able to share his Word with them before it is too late.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

My Weekend

Well, it was another crazy, busy weekend, as usual. Saturday morning we wake up, go have breakfast, come home, get ready for gymnastics showcase, go to gymnastics showcase, come home and at 6pm, we host my best friend Stuart's 30th birthday party. We finally made it to bed around 3am Sunday morning, got up in time to make the 9:30am service at church, went to our CORE class at 11am, had lunch at Red Robin, dropped Bob and the baby (still not feeling too well) off at the house, went to see my mom who lives 45 minutes away, visited for a few hours, drove back home, had dinner, played with the kids and put them both to bed at 8pm so that I could collapse. I'm sure I changed about 20 diapers in there, had a couple more meals, did a load of laundry, spent an hour cleaning up from the party, and a few other miraculous "mom" things....but that pretty much sums it up. Happy Mother's Day to me. Whew!

We had a great morning at service this morning, and as always very much enjoyed our CORE class, but I do have something to confess. Over the last few weeks, our involvement in the church has gotten much more intense, and both Bob and I continue to seek knowledge, truth and understanding. Bob has had several of the leaders at church ask him to meet with them outside of the church, join their book club, discussion group, meet for coffee, etc., yet I have not had a single person ask the same of me. Now I know that Bob is new in his faith, and has much to learn, and I am sure that is the reason that people are so anxious to reach out to him. Make sure that he is grounded in his faith, as it is so easy to slip off the newly paved path, but I was jealous. I am so fascinated by all that I am learning, hearing, seeing...and I want MORE. As soon as I realized that I was upset that he got invited out again, I felt guilty. I do want Bob to know more. I do want him to be grounded. I do want him to make new friends in the faith, and find some good Christian men to model his walk from. So, I apologize. I apologize for my selfishness, my envy, and the assumptions I have made about why they didn't ask me.

It's ironic that I experienced these feelings just after this morning's service where Pastor Kevin reminded us of this:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I Corinthians 13:4-7

In light of having said that, I'm sure that one of the women from church will now ask me out for coffee after reading this blog (which I will gladly accept), but I will continue to wonder if I did something or acted a certain way that made me seem unapproachable....unfriendable, or even worse, disinterested?

I am trying to improve myself. I am trying to learn. I am trying to stay more aware of my shortcomings to make sure that this time Satan doesn't get me off my path.

Just some thoughts....

So, once again I find myself wanting to write, but not having too much to say. I have a few scattered thoughts that I guess will suffice for tonight's blog.

First and foremost, I can tell you what an amazing evening we had last night! Bob and I were joined by a friend of ours and we attended a special Praise & Prayer night at church in honor of the National Day of Prayer. It was a great time singing and praising God, while praying for our country, our state, our city and our church. Several people got up and briefly spoke, and led the group in prayer. It was nice hearing what's on different people's hearts. After hearing one of them speak, we took a few moments for silent prayer, and as I dropped to my knees and became silent, it occurred to me what I needed to pray for. I don't want my children to grow up in a school where they can't pray. I don't want them to grow up in a school system that takes the word "God" out of the pledge of allegiance. I remember the beginning of every football game starting with a prayer. Not just the players in the huddle, but the entire stadium...over the loud speaker. I can't afford to have my children in private Christian school (though the thought gets more appealing every day), so I'll just have to hope that God will place Christian leaders in our state, our school boards and in our schools.

Secondly, let me just say that Bob and I are still having such a great time getting involved in the Church. We absolutely love VCC, and look forward each day to the next time that we can go there. In that light, we talked yesterday about how wonderful it would be for that to be your job. No corporate America, just being in the house of the Lord all day. How lucky are the people that get to do that? To get to go spend your day in such a peaceful place...making a living and providing for your family by serving God full-time. Wow. I long for that.

I am still very much looking forward to meeting up with some Church friends outside of church, but we haven't gotten there, yet. We continue to meet new people each week we attend, and hopefully soon, we'll find some people that like to sit around, hang out and play board games like we do. :)

It's funny...I wanted to win the lottery before because I wanted a new house, new car, new handbag, etc.... Now, I want to win the lottery so I can donate to the church, help with missions, go to DBU and get my masters in Christian Education, put the kids in a Christian school.... Such changes in my life, and I still feel I need to win the lottery. Guess some things never change. :)

Just another day

Today, has pretty much been "just another day." I am in Orlando on business, and sat in meetings today from 8am to 8pm. THere ha e been a couple things that have struck me today, so I will write about them briefly, and then, I will retire to bed, as I have to be back up to do it again at 7:30am EST.

Today, I looked in the elevator mirror, and I actually liked what I saw. I liked how my hair has grown out. I liked my clothes. I didn't look that fat. I actually thought I looked pretty darn good, which is rare for me. You see, I grew up listening to my mom telling me I was fat, and always thinking I was ugly. I always longed to be one of the pretty girls....the skinny girls. After reading some of my book yesterday (see yesterday's blog), about the lie that we believe that outer beauty is more important than inner beauty, I realized that I, too, had believed that lie. Yesterday in my reading, I realized that God made me who I am, and that to him, I am beautiful....and today, I looked at myself in a new light.

It doesn't matter how much I try to fit in, how I dress, or how I look, it's what's inside that really counts. I know that sounds cliche, but it is true. God's love for me isn't going to change based on how I look or how I dress. People's opinions of me are going to be based much more on how I act than how I look. If I portray a Christian image, I will be perceived as such.

At best, physical beauty is temporal and fleeting. Proverbs 31:30

I am not, however, without sin today. At our evening "social," there was an open bar. One glass of wine turned to two, and before I realized it, two turned to five, and I was not quite the new me I've been trying so hard to be. I consiously tried to make sure that I didn't swear, didn't use the Lord's name in vain, or do anything that God wouldn't approve of me doing. However, I felt guilty. I shoud have known better. Why do I need to be inhebriated to fit in? Better yet...why do I need to fit in, at all? I need to stop drinking, and it is something that I plan to address with God. Not that I drink often, but it is still not something I should do...at least not for the purpose of getting drunk.

And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit. Ephesians 5:18

What I do know is that I miss my family. I miss my husband. I miss my church. Even though it's only been two days since I was there, it feels like much longer. I feel distant right now, and that's not somewhere I want to be. I am anxious to go home tomorrow. To be reunited with my husband who will help me get re-focused on my/our journey. I am even more anxious to accompany him into the house of our Lord tomorrow night for a special Praise & Prayer service which I so desperately need.

Good Flight, Great Book

As suggested by a friend, I picked up a new book today at Barnes & Noble titled "The lies women believe, and the truth that sets them free" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

The book is divided into sections, and I've only completed the first two, but wow... I'm not sure I've ever thought so hard or looked so deeply into my own thoughts and actions.

I am tired tonight from my travels, and have quite the headache, so my blog tonight will be brief. I did, however, wanted to make sure that I took these few moments to reflect and write today's thoughts.

Today, I saw some things from a different viewpoint. I saw a "Christian," someone who regularly attends church and who is very vocal about their beliefs in God act like they have never known Him. I watched in amazement as the "F" word flew out of their mouth repeatedly, followed by a couple of carefully executed middle finger salutes...all in casual conversation. Now, don't get me wrong...I'm not judging. What I am doing, is realizing that was me not so very long ago. I can't believe that I claimed to be a Christian, yet acted like that. How foolish! No wonder Christians have such a bad name.

I know I'm making huge changes in my life, and to some they don't understand, to others it may be overboard. To me, it's time. Not only do I not want to project that kind of image as a Christian, but I don't want to project that image as a mother, a friend, a wife, or anything else.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Spring Cleaning

In my newfound spiritual "cleanliness," I have found myself wanting to clean. My desk, the house, the laundry, the yard. Today, it was the garage. I am generally not someone who cleans anything. I hate cleaning. Yet over the past couple weeks, I seem to have this desire to clean things. I am guessing that the Lord is using it as a symbol for me and my life (I can't justify it any other way).

In the past, while claiming to be a Christian, I was unclean. I was full of unrepented sin, guilt, anger, and all the baggage that comes along with not being right with God. I am working really hard these days to walk the right path...I guess that's why I want to clean up the areas I walk in!

...it shall be a statute forever throughout your generations, that you may distinguish between holy and unholy, and between clean and unclean. Lev 10:9-10

And he set the gatekeepers at the gates of the house of the LORD, so that no one who was in any way unclean should enter. 2 Chronicles 23:19

Tonight, Bob and I attended "date night" at church, where we talked about marriage. What a great place to start cleaning! A strong marriage based around faith in God is the rock for a solid family. For well structured children, and for as good of a life here on Earth that one can have. I look forward to strengthening our marriage through Him, and I know that we are already on the path to get there!

We joke with the church leaders that we are just going to pitch a tent at VCC because we've been there so much lately... I am so glad that we found VCC! Valley Creek and its leaders have been instrumental (through the Holy Spirit, of course) in getting Bob and I where we are today, and I can't wait for Thursday night when we can walk into the house of our Lord again!

How could I have been so blind?

Today was a great day. A day filled with church, friends, family and understanding. Something amazing has happened to me in these last few weeks. As I have truly started to seek God and further my relationship with Him, I find myself with thoughts and answers that I have never had in my journey before.

Today, as we sat in our Core class at VCC, we listened as our leader spoke about Jesus. About His ministry, about His humanity about His death, and of His return. I have always been very fascinated with His return and the "end of time." I have always wanted to know more about it... When will it happen? How will it happen? What are the signs that it is near? How will we know it's time?

I heard today, a scripture I have heard before:

No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in haven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Matthew 24:36

Now I understand that it says that no one knows, but what about 2012? What about all the scholars and theologians that say they know when it will take place?

Today, I learned that Peter and Paul both said that Jesus would return "soon." 2,000+ years later...still, we wait.

Therefore, you also be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect. Matthew 24:44

So, today, while sitting listening to these scriptures about how plainly it states that no one knows, my mind drifted, and I wondered why, if they can't know, they would try so hard to figure it out. Why so many people have dedicated countless hours and resources to write books and lectures and pour out theories on something that they would never know?

And it hit me like a ton of bricks (thanks for that, Holy Spirit). I was so interested and desperate to know WHEN because I wasn't ready. I wasn't right with Him, and I was scared. I wanted to know when and how I'd know the signs because I wasn't willing to give my life up to him. I wanted to keep on living the "good" life that I was living, because I would, at the very last minute, repent, be forgiven, and somehow just make it into the pearly gates. Really? REALLY?!?!

How foolish. How naive. How selfish. How much farther from the truth could I have been? I had used the "I want to watch my kids grow up." line many times... but now, even that doesn't make any sense to me. Why in the world would I want to wach my children grow up in this world? Why would I want to have to watch them go through all the trials and tribulations this world has to offer them? Why not be anxious for Him to return so that I can spend all of eternity with my children? In a place where there is no sin. No suffering. No hate. Only love, peace, and full understanding as we walk and reign with God.

I realized today that if I'm truly saved (which I now know I am), and I know I'm going with Him when He comes (which I also now know I am)....it doesn't matter if that day is today, tomorrow, or another 2,000 years from now because I am right with the Lord. I don't need to know when or what the signs are going to be....because I'm not going to just "sneak in." I'm going out professing my love for him, hands raised, and ready to be one with Him.




On a side note....at the end of yesterday's blog, I mentioned that I had been given a mission. Today, part one of that mission was fulfilled. I didn't even have to fight for it...it just happened. And while I'm not quite ready to say what...I'll just say that it's something that hasn't happened in over 15 years! I am SO excited! God is doing amazing things in and through my life right now!

I must confess...

For the first time since attending VCC, we went to Saturday evening service because we are attending two classes Sunday morning that will prevent us from attending the regular service. I will have to say that A) I was surprised at how many were in attendance on a Saturday evening and B) it just didn't feel the same as going on a Sunday morning. There's just something special and sacred to me about worshipping on Sunday. Maybe I'm just a creature of habit, but nonetheless, it just felt different.

Pastor Kevin is in the middle of a series called The Kingdom of God. Tonight's message was about how you can't possibly HIDE from God. You can't keep secrets, you can't tuck your sins in a closet, you can't fool him about who you REALLY are. This message runs through to my core because for so long I claimed to be a Christian, but I certainly didn't show it. It's like I was trying to fool God into believing I was saved without really ever having to prove it. How many times have I lied? Lied to better myself, lied to get ahead, lied to get my way....and got away with it? Never had to let anyone know of the lie I told....and was proud that I succeeded? Well, I didn't get away with it. God knew. He knew before I did it that I was going to do it. How foolish of me to think that there wasn't someone that knew my deepest darkest secrets....

At the end of the service today, Pastor Kevin challenged each of us to come forward and confess our "secrets" to one of our church leaders. To confess, repent, and ask forgiveness so that we can be freed of the guilt and shame that we are carrying because of our transgressions. Now, I've never been to "confession," nor can I say that I ever got the point. God already knows what I did...why do I have to tell someone else?!?!

Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. James 5:16

Then Joshua said to Achan, "My son, give glory to the LORD, the God of Israel, by telling the truth. Make your confession, and tell me what you have done. Don't hide it from me." Joshua 7:19

As the two different sides (good and evil) went back and forth in my head, I debated whether or not to obey the preacher's command this evening. While I knew I had a secret to confess, I didn't want to have to say it out loud to anyone, much less in church...in God's house. But I did. As I try to be strong in my faith, and listen to the calls of the Holy Spirit, I was obedient, and I confessed. I confessed about something that prior to today, only two people in the world knew about...and once I got through the tears, it felt good. A huge burden and weight was lifted off of me tonight. I have now confessed, repented, and have been forgiven. Not only that, but through my confession, the Holy Spirit spoke to me...and I have seen how I can redeem myself, and make it right.

My path is clear, and once again, I will listen.

Good friends & Good books

I'll start by saying that there are two things I really enjoy. Spending time with friends, and reading. Spending time with friends is something I've been able to do quite a lot of in the last few years. Reading? Not so much.

I have been challenged over the past several years by my "friends" quite frequently. I have had several what I thought were "close friends" just drop off the map or stop talking to me altogether because of something that was going on in my life. I now realize that it was because they weren't "close friends." In just the past few weeks, I have had several people from the church reach out to me, take time to read my blog, or just stop to chat at an unexpected meeting. I barely know these people, but it is easy to see that they truly care about me, my husband, my family, my faith.... These are the kinds of people that I/we should be surrounding ourselves with. The same kind of friend that I have tried to be to others...the kind that would lend you their last $5.

We haven't gotten a chance to get involved in a small group at church yet, but I can say that I am very much looking forward to it. I am anxious to find some other couples with young children with a passion for Christ that we can become friends with and build lasting memories with. I can say right now that I do have one true friend. One that supports me no matter what, and that has been such a blessing in my life. He has helped me through some very tough times, and I am eager to find some more true friends to share in my new "changing" life. Through church, and maybe even through this blog that he inspired, I'll find some.

Maybe these new "friends" can suggest some books on God, faith and religion to me, as well. I've been aching to read lately...I've been reading some in the Bible here and there, but am really wanting to learn more. I think it's from our sessions in CORE at VCC, where we are learning about the fundamentals... Eric, our teacher knows so much, and I have such a thirst right now for some knowledge.

For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. Col 1:9-10


I found myself wandering around Mardel on Tuesday in the book section. Holy cow. There are so many books... I found myself thinking "that looks interesting," picking it up, reading the back cover and putting it back, because I was scared that I would read something that isn't right or good. I was terrified that I would read a book that wasn't the right interpretation, or the right belief. I left, empty-handed. So my question is this. You have your beliefs but limited knowledge. How do you keep from "learning" the wrong thing? If I taught my daughter all her life that 2+2=5, she'd believe me because she never knew any different. While I am so thirsty for knowledge, I feel even more suceptible to believing what I hear or read.

I guess, for now, I'll stick to just reading the Bible. I know I can't go wrong with that one.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Last Sunday in church, Pastor Kevin talked about Satan, and how he is constantly throwing road blocks at you. Just when things are looking up, things seem to be getting in order, and you begin to feel encouraged, he strikes...

Last night, Addyson had one of her "fits," and Bob and I had a nice, big arguement. Big enough that we went to sleep mad, and woke up unrefreshed. What a crappy ending to what was looking to be a great day. The day I started my blog. The day I ran into Pastor John and had a nice, unexpected conversation. The day I felt like I was really getting closer to where I wanted to be.

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the Devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you. I Peter 5:8-10

Like the first step to for a recovering addict is knowing they have a problem, at least I am aware that it is Satan trying to stand in my way. A few months ago, I would have gotten frustrated, discouraged, and held onto my anger. Today, while saddened, I seek to find answers and solutions through prayer instead of trying to solve the problems myself.

To top it all off, I'm not feeling well today. Sore throat, fuzzy head...springtime yucks. But instead of being irritated and cranky that I am sick, I am thanking God for making me rest today. Lying here has given me some alone time to ponder, pray, and hope for a better day tomorrow.

Where to start...

Though I have been a Christian for many years, I have not exactly been walking the path that I should have for quite some time. I have been very stressed and frustrated over the past few years, and realized there was something missing in my life. In November of 2009, my husband and I started attending church at Valley Creek in Flower Mound, TX, and I can now say I have absolutely found what was missing.

Over the past few months, Bob (my husband) and I have gotten more involved in pursuing our relationship with God. We have started attending classes at church, and by the grace of God, Bob was saved last week. I can't begin to express how amazing it is to know that we will be together for all of eternity! Bob's journey over the past few months has reminded me of just how real God is, and how powerful he can be when he is working in your life. That force is what I've been missing.

Over the past few weeks we have heard sermons on worry...something I do a lot of. About money, the kids, the job, you name it. While it is VERY difficult for me (I'm a worrier), I am realizing that worrying about it only causes me more stress, and that the only way I am going to get true resolve of these situations is to turn them over to God. I am not my provider. He is.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

I am finding every day that I feel better when I wake up in the morning. I have a new love for life, and have a great hunger for more knowledge of Him. I feel at peace when I'm at Valley Creek...it is truly a happy time, a time when I have absolutely no worries, and I like that.

I have always heard that Christians experience "convictions," things that the Holy Spirit speaks to them and instructs them to do. Earlier this week, I was convicted to delete all of the inappropriate music from my iTunes. I dismissed the thought, but found it return to my head day after day. Yesterday, I deleted all of that music...and it felt good.

I have questioned recently whether or not I was ever REALLY saved. I was young, didn't REALLY understand, and certainly haven't walked the path of a Christian since that day. So...just to make sure...I've prayed that prayer again. I've asked for forgiveness, and it's been granted. In that same line of thought, I'm going to be baptized again. I am starting over.

I still slip...I used his name in vain just yesterday. But He will forgive me once again, because that is what he does, and He is good.

I am turning everything about my life over to God. I seek peace, happiness and security.

I'll let you know how it goes.