Today we headed out to see Dr. Scott Perry at Cook Children's Hospital in Fort Worth. We waited all of 2 minutes before being called back where Aspynne got weighed and measured. We proceeded to our room where they were going to take Aspynne's BP before the Dr. came in, but Aspynne wasn't too thrilled about the cuff...so guess what they did? They took the machine away and said no biggie, we don't need it if it's going to make her upset. Wow. Welcome to Cook's!
We waited all of 2 minutes and the Dr. was in our room. Wow. Dr. Perry spent almost 30 minutes with us today, which is amazing! The old neurologist gave us 5 minutes max before he shuffled us out the door with no more knowledge than we came in with.
The doc spent quite some time "checking out" Aspynne, playing with her, assessing her actions, movements, etc. He stepped out to look over her MRI, came back and talked with us some more.
Here is what we learned today:
Aspynne is most likely having "partial" not "generalized" seizures. This means that they start in one part of her brain and travel to another. It is not uncommon for one to feel these coming on...which would explain why she came to me last time. It is also a clue that we need to find the part of her brain where they are starting. Dr. Perry asked if we remembered which direction she fell, if her head went a certain way, or if her eyes pulled to a certain size when she was seizing. We are pretty positive that she often goes to the right, which means the seizure is coming from the left hemisphere of her brain.
Dr. Perry was also interested in the tosis (lowering of the eyelid) that she had on the left side of her face. He asked about our visits with her Pediatric Opthamologist...and what she had said. I had breifly thought there might be a correllation, but the old neuro didn't seem interested, and I had dismissed it. Aspynne's whole left side of her face is "droopy," as if in someone that had a stroke. I read today about a similar toddler that had in fact, had a stroke.....in utero. It had never occurred to me that this could even happen, but it is a possibility.
The doctor also advised that we go ahead and put Aspynne on anti-seizure medication. We had previously been very skeptical and leery of this because of all the bad side effects the other neuro had advised us of. However, Dr. Perry explained it to us....and told us WHY it's important that we go ahead and medicate. First, while neurologists are fairly confident that one or two short seizures such as Aspynne had don't do any severe neurological damage, they are not certain of what kind of damage multiple, continued seizures can cause. Allowing her to just continue to have seizures would not be good for her or her brain, and could, in the long run, cause some long-term effects on her brain. Secondly, even though her first 3 seizures have all been less than 2 minutes, and identical, that doesn't mean that the next one or the one after that will be the same. There is nothing that says one of those seizures couldn't be the 20 or 30 minute one that causes significant brain damages and changes her life forever. The only way to stop the seizures is to medicate. And, with the right medication, we should be able to get her to a seizure-free state with minimal, if any, side effects for a couple of years and then wean her off the medication all together. Dr. Perry has chozen Oxcarbazepine for her due to it's very low percentage and mild occurrence of side effects. It also has a pretty wide range of dosing options, so we can start her out on a very small dose, and increase as needed until we get to the right dosage where she is no longer having any seizures.
Dr. Perry has also asked us to do another EEG. Not only does he want one in his own facility that he can review himself, but something could show up on this one that the first did not show. We are scheduled for another sleep deprived EEG this Thursday at 3pm.
Overall, we learned a LOT. We absolutely loved the new facility and the new Dr., and really feel that we are on the right track. While we are not thrilled about medicating her, we now understand why it is the right move at this point. We know that if we see side effects that we don't like, we can switch to another medication until we find the one that is right for her.
For those of you on the prayer wagon....what we pray for now is that we can go easily onto this medication, and that we do not see ANY side effects. Aspynne is the most precious little girl ever (yes, I'm biased). Her personality is PERFECT and we don't want ANYTHING to change that.
I will keep you all updated as we progress onto the meds, and after the EEG on Thursday.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Aspynne Update 8-26-10
What an emotional roller coaster of a day.
We awoke this morning shortly after 5am so that we could get up, get ready and head for the hospital. Everything went smoothly getting Aspynne up at 6, dressing her in some comfy pj's, scooping up her favorite baby and heading out the door. I felt a little bad that I couldn't give her anything but a sip of water, but as any "day surgery" would have it...that's all she could have.
We arrived plenty early, got checked in and were escorted to our room. We proceeded down several long white hallways and turned the corner toward Room 23. That's where it really begin to sink in. As we walked into the room, we were greeted by a hospital "baby" bed, and the tiniest little yellow hospital gown I've ever seen. It was really sad. I have such a newfound respect for parents who have had to spend countless hours in hospitals with their little angels.
We had to wait a little over an hour before they came to get her for her MRI, and without the ability to bribe and pass time with food, but she really did well. After some Clifford and some time playing with Mommy & Daddy's shoes, it was at last, time to head downstairs to Radiology.
I went into the MRI room with Aspynne as Bob looked on from the door. I laid her down on the table, and the anesthesiologist put the mask over her face. She fought hard for a few seconds, but I held her hand, rubbed her hair, and tried to calm her down. I kept telling her that it would be alright, and to go to sleep, the whole time imagining how I'd feel if something went wrong, and I was the one telling her to just go to sleep. After a few more seconds, she got still, looked at me, and after a few more breaths and some eyelash flutters, my baby was under. Despite the tears, the anestheisologist made me leave her (meany), and Bob and I headed to the waiting room.
The staff was amazing, updating us 5 minutes into the procedure to let us know that she was doing great, again at 15 minutes, and with 5 minutes to go. I looked up, and a nurse was holding her, motioning us to come take her out in the hallway.
While I held her we were wheeled back to our room where we would wait for the anesthesia to wear off. Surprisingly, she became really angry and violent coming off the drugs, but we kept being reassured that was normal. After about 30 minutes, she was calming down, and we were being discharged!
We brought her home where she ate a big lunch (go figure), played for a while, and headed down for a nap. Bob and I headed up to church so that we could pray. We spent quite some time at the alter. I can't speak for Bob, but I prayed that God had heard our prayers. I prayed that he had healed her, and I prayed that we wouldn't see a thing on that MRI.
We went upstairs to say hi to a couple of the staff members when my phone rang. It was the pediatrician saying she had already read and received the report from the MRI, and the scan was completely normal. There was nothing absolutely NOTHING wrong in her brain. Hallelujah! Bob and I headed back downstairs to thank God for his swift response to our prayer! He is so good!
While we are back to not knowing what is causing the seizures, we do know that it is NOT one of the bad things that could be causing them. And that, my friends, is GREAT news!
Aspynne is in great spirits this evening, eating and playing well. Her poor little eyes are all red and tired, but she is so strong. She is going to be just fine.
Thank you all for your prayers and support. I have no doubt that God heard and answered our prayers.
We awoke this morning shortly after 5am so that we could get up, get ready and head for the hospital. Everything went smoothly getting Aspynne up at 6, dressing her in some comfy pj's, scooping up her favorite baby and heading out the door. I felt a little bad that I couldn't give her anything but a sip of water, but as any "day surgery" would have it...that's all she could have.
We arrived plenty early, got checked in and were escorted to our room. We proceeded down several long white hallways and turned the corner toward Room 23. That's where it really begin to sink in. As we walked into the room, we were greeted by a hospital "baby" bed, and the tiniest little yellow hospital gown I've ever seen. It was really sad. I have such a newfound respect for parents who have had to spend countless hours in hospitals with their little angels.
We had to wait a little over an hour before they came to get her for her MRI, and without the ability to bribe and pass time with food, but she really did well. After some Clifford and some time playing with Mommy & Daddy's shoes, it was at last, time to head downstairs to Radiology.
I went into the MRI room with Aspynne as Bob looked on from the door. I laid her down on the table, and the anesthesiologist put the mask over her face. She fought hard for a few seconds, but I held her hand, rubbed her hair, and tried to calm her down. I kept telling her that it would be alright, and to go to sleep, the whole time imagining how I'd feel if something went wrong, and I was the one telling her to just go to sleep. After a few more seconds, she got still, looked at me, and after a few more breaths and some eyelash flutters, my baby was under. Despite the tears, the anestheisologist made me leave her (meany), and Bob and I headed to the waiting room.
The staff was amazing, updating us 5 minutes into the procedure to let us know that she was doing great, again at 15 minutes, and with 5 minutes to go. I looked up, and a nurse was holding her, motioning us to come take her out in the hallway.
While I held her we were wheeled back to our room where we would wait for the anesthesia to wear off. Surprisingly, she became really angry and violent coming off the drugs, but we kept being reassured that was normal. After about 30 minutes, she was calming down, and we were being discharged!
We brought her home where she ate a big lunch (go figure), played for a while, and headed down for a nap. Bob and I headed up to church so that we could pray. We spent quite some time at the alter. I can't speak for Bob, but I prayed that God had heard our prayers. I prayed that he had healed her, and I prayed that we wouldn't see a thing on that MRI.
We went upstairs to say hi to a couple of the staff members when my phone rang. It was the pediatrician saying she had already read and received the report from the MRI, and the scan was completely normal. There was nothing absolutely NOTHING wrong in her brain. Hallelujah! Bob and I headed back downstairs to thank God for his swift response to our prayer! He is so good!
While we are back to not knowing what is causing the seizures, we do know that it is NOT one of the bad things that could be causing them. And that, my friends, is GREAT news!
Aspynne is in great spirits this evening, eating and playing well. Her poor little eyes are all red and tired, but she is so strong. She is going to be just fine.
Thank you all for your prayers and support. I have no doubt that God heard and answered our prayers.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Aspynne Update 8-23-10
Can I just start by saying that I dropped my baby girl off at Kindergarten this morning?!?!? I can't believe that she is already in school. Where did the time go?
After drying my tears from the morning drop-off, I scooped up Aspynne to take her to the pediatrician. While this was her "18 month checkup," this is the first time we've seen the Pediatrician since the first seizure, and she was unaware that we had experienced a third on Saturday.
Aspynne's checkup went well. She has a viral infection that is causing her rash, her runny nose and her lovely diarreah, but it's nothing to worry about and just needs to run its course. I did find out that when Aspynne's immune system is weakened by something like a virus or an infection that she is more prone to seize, so it will be imperative that we try to keep her well and get her a flu shot this year.
I spoke with the Pediatrician about her episode on Saturday, and about our bad second visit with our current Neurologist. I told her that we did NOT want to have to go back to him, and that we wanted to put all of our efforts into getting into Cook Children's. She was behind us 100%, and said that she would call to see if she could get them to move up our October 27th appointment.
I had no more than pulled out of the parking lot of the Dr.'s office when Bob called me saying that the Dr.'s office had just called him, and that they had gotten us an appointment at Cook's for Monday. ?!?!?! This Monday??? As in a week from today? Yep....that's what I'm saying!
It's great news that we will get to go to Cook's so soon and get to talk to another Pediatric Neurologist about what's been going on with Aspynne. We will have the MRI in hand by then for them to examine, and we will take with us the EEG that was previously done, as well. With any luck, we will know something very soon.
I'll keep you all updated.
After drying my tears from the morning drop-off, I scooped up Aspynne to take her to the pediatrician. While this was her "18 month checkup," this is the first time we've seen the Pediatrician since the first seizure, and she was unaware that we had experienced a third on Saturday.
Aspynne's checkup went well. She has a viral infection that is causing her rash, her runny nose and her lovely diarreah, but it's nothing to worry about and just needs to run its course. I did find out that when Aspynne's immune system is weakened by something like a virus or an infection that she is more prone to seize, so it will be imperative that we try to keep her well and get her a flu shot this year.
I spoke with the Pediatrician about her episode on Saturday, and about our bad second visit with our current Neurologist. I told her that we did NOT want to have to go back to him, and that we wanted to put all of our efforts into getting into Cook Children's. She was behind us 100%, and said that she would call to see if she could get them to move up our October 27th appointment.
I had no more than pulled out of the parking lot of the Dr.'s office when Bob called me saying that the Dr.'s office had just called him, and that they had gotten us an appointment at Cook's for Monday. ?!?!?! This Monday??? As in a week from today? Yep....that's what I'm saying!
It's great news that we will get to go to Cook's so soon and get to talk to another Pediatric Neurologist about what's been going on with Aspynne. We will have the MRI in hand by then for them to examine, and we will take with us the EEG that was previously done, as well. With any luck, we will know something very soon.
I'll keep you all updated.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Aspynne.....
Ok, so I know that there are many people out there praying for Aspynne and our family..... Some that know exactly every detail of what's transpired, others who were just asked to jump in and pray for us this weekend at VCC.
Either way, I thought that regularly updating this blog with updates as we move forward in this process would just be the easiest way to keep everyone "in the know."
For those of you who don't know what's exactly going on, it all started July 13th. Aspynne had a seizure in the morning, while at home, shortly after she awoke. It was very chaotic, as I had never seen a seizure, much less ever held my child in my arms while she appeared as if she were going to die any second. I fell to my knees, begging God not to take her from me. We called 911, who responded in less than 5 minutes, in which time the seizure had long since ended, and thus began our journey.
Several hours that day were spent at the pediatrician's office being monitored, blood tested, etc... Everything seemed fine. The pediatrician scheduled us for an EEG, and got us an appointment with a Pediatric Neurologist for two days later. Aspynne had to be "sleep deprived" for the EEG because they needed to get some sleeping brain waves, so that was an undertaking, but she did amazingly well. She went right to sleep in mommy's arms, and didn't cry once when they were gluing or removing the 21 nodes that were attached to her head.
The EEG was clear. She does, in fact, have quite "mature" brain activity for her age. (Whatever that means). The Neurologist assured us that sometimes these things just happen in children. Freak accidents that you never know the cause of.... We talked about the what if's, and we went on about our way, knowing that she was only about 25% to have a second seizure.
It was really rough those first few days after the seizure. I started out not being able to look at her without seeing her eyes rolled into the back of her head. Then I became fearful of her every step. Finally, I was scared to be alone with her...my own child. I asked for healing, strength, understanding, peace. After a few days life returned to normal, and it was just something really scary that happened once upon a time.
Then came August 10th. Seizure #2. I was at the office when I got the call from Bob asking me to come home. He had stepped out for lunch, and the nanny had gotten her through it. It was identical to the first. Around a minute, generalized, all over, typical tonic-clonic seizure. We called the Neurologist and basically got a "we'll put it in her chart" and a "let us know if you guys decide you want to medicate her." Needless to say, those weren't the answers we were looking for.
A nice little chat with our pediatrician got us another visit with the Neurologist (that we didn't care for to start with), but as I quickly found out, I don't have many options. Children's Medical Center has to have a board decide if you can even be a patient of theirs, and then you have to wait months to get an appointment. While no board decision is needed to get into Cook Children's, it isn't much of a shorter wait. We got an appointment for Oct. 27th, and decided in the meantime to go ahead and take the next step in having an MRI.
We went to the neurologist Friday morning, and he basically told us that he "didn't have anything to tell us that he didn't tell us last time." We did, however, get to ask some questions about the upcoming MRI, so at least the appointment wasn't completely in vain.
Yesterday, August 21st, marked seizure #3. This time, only 11 days after the last. We were visiting my parent's house for the day, and we hadn't been there just a few minutes when she had this episode. I knew from the moment I got her up yesterday morning that she "wasn't right." I even told Bob that we need to keep an eye on her because I just felt something was wrong. Aspynne walked right up to me and sat down before the seizure came on. She looked into my eyes as if to tell me it was about to happen. I saw it, and reached for her head right as it went down to the floor. Same story as the first two....identical in almost every way.
This morning, Sunday, August 22nd, we had a large host of individuals pray over her at church during service. Elders, pastors, friends, teachers, and several others all joined forces in asking God to heal her. I know he heard our prayer. While it is painful, I know that he is in control of both her and this situation, and I know that he can heal her.
Tomorrow, we go back to the pediatrician for her 18 month checkup, get some shots, let her know about seizure #3, and talk about our game plan to get our appointment at Cook Children's moved up.
Thursday, we have an MRI scheduled for Aspynne at Presbyterian of Plano at 9am. She will have to go under anesthesia for the procedure, and we will be there a few hours, but don't forsee any reason why we won't be home shortly after noon (after a trip to VCC where they will be hosting a day of prayer & fasting).
The MRI could show us what's wrong...tumor, cyst, bleed, spinal fluid leak, malformation, etc. Or...it could not. If it does not, we'll be focusing more on if we think we need to medicate her with anti-seizure meds, which is a whole other ballgame. I'll fill you in on all the lovely risks of those medicines next time. For now, I've just recounted so much of this that I am spent.
Please continue to lift us up in your thoughts and prayers. I ask that you pray for Aspynne and her healing. I also ask that you pray for Addyson, her sister, and her patience and understanding. Addyson starts Kindergarten tomorrow, and she hasn't been getting quite the attention she deserves lately because of how tied up we have been with Aspynne. I also ask that you keep Bob & I in your thoughts as we continue to try to be strong for our daughters and get answers for our family.
Thanks again to every single one of you that prayed over us today. It was truly amazing.
Either way, I thought that regularly updating this blog with updates as we move forward in this process would just be the easiest way to keep everyone "in the know."
For those of you who don't know what's exactly going on, it all started July 13th. Aspynne had a seizure in the morning, while at home, shortly after she awoke. It was very chaotic, as I had never seen a seizure, much less ever held my child in my arms while she appeared as if she were going to die any second. I fell to my knees, begging God not to take her from me. We called 911, who responded in less than 5 minutes, in which time the seizure had long since ended, and thus began our journey.
Several hours that day were spent at the pediatrician's office being monitored, blood tested, etc... Everything seemed fine. The pediatrician scheduled us for an EEG, and got us an appointment with a Pediatric Neurologist for two days later. Aspynne had to be "sleep deprived" for the EEG because they needed to get some sleeping brain waves, so that was an undertaking, but she did amazingly well. She went right to sleep in mommy's arms, and didn't cry once when they were gluing or removing the 21 nodes that were attached to her head.
The EEG was clear. She does, in fact, have quite "mature" brain activity for her age. (Whatever that means). The Neurologist assured us that sometimes these things just happen in children. Freak accidents that you never know the cause of.... We talked about the what if's, and we went on about our way, knowing that she was only about 25% to have a second seizure.
It was really rough those first few days after the seizure. I started out not being able to look at her without seeing her eyes rolled into the back of her head. Then I became fearful of her every step. Finally, I was scared to be alone with her...my own child. I asked for healing, strength, understanding, peace. After a few days life returned to normal, and it was just something really scary that happened once upon a time.
Then came August 10th. Seizure #2. I was at the office when I got the call from Bob asking me to come home. He had stepped out for lunch, and the nanny had gotten her through it. It was identical to the first. Around a minute, generalized, all over, typical tonic-clonic seizure. We called the Neurologist and basically got a "we'll put it in her chart" and a "let us know if you guys decide you want to medicate her." Needless to say, those weren't the answers we were looking for.
A nice little chat with our pediatrician got us another visit with the Neurologist (that we didn't care for to start with), but as I quickly found out, I don't have many options. Children's Medical Center has to have a board decide if you can even be a patient of theirs, and then you have to wait months to get an appointment. While no board decision is needed to get into Cook Children's, it isn't much of a shorter wait. We got an appointment for Oct. 27th, and decided in the meantime to go ahead and take the next step in having an MRI.
We went to the neurologist Friday morning, and he basically told us that he "didn't have anything to tell us that he didn't tell us last time." We did, however, get to ask some questions about the upcoming MRI, so at least the appointment wasn't completely in vain.
Yesterday, August 21st, marked seizure #3. This time, only 11 days after the last. We were visiting my parent's house for the day, and we hadn't been there just a few minutes when she had this episode. I knew from the moment I got her up yesterday morning that she "wasn't right." I even told Bob that we need to keep an eye on her because I just felt something was wrong. Aspynne walked right up to me and sat down before the seizure came on. She looked into my eyes as if to tell me it was about to happen. I saw it, and reached for her head right as it went down to the floor. Same story as the first two....identical in almost every way.
This morning, Sunday, August 22nd, we had a large host of individuals pray over her at church during service. Elders, pastors, friends, teachers, and several others all joined forces in asking God to heal her. I know he heard our prayer. While it is painful, I know that he is in control of both her and this situation, and I know that he can heal her.
Tomorrow, we go back to the pediatrician for her 18 month checkup, get some shots, let her know about seizure #3, and talk about our game plan to get our appointment at Cook Children's moved up.
Thursday, we have an MRI scheduled for Aspynne at Presbyterian of Plano at 9am. She will have to go under anesthesia for the procedure, and we will be there a few hours, but don't forsee any reason why we won't be home shortly after noon (after a trip to VCC where they will be hosting a day of prayer & fasting).
The MRI could show us what's wrong...tumor, cyst, bleed, spinal fluid leak, malformation, etc. Or...it could not. If it does not, we'll be focusing more on if we think we need to medicate her with anti-seizure meds, which is a whole other ballgame. I'll fill you in on all the lovely risks of those medicines next time. For now, I've just recounted so much of this that I am spent.
Please continue to lift us up in your thoughts and prayers. I ask that you pray for Aspynne and her healing. I also ask that you pray for Addyson, her sister, and her patience and understanding. Addyson starts Kindergarten tomorrow, and she hasn't been getting quite the attention she deserves lately because of how tied up we have been with Aspynne. I also ask that you keep Bob & I in your thoughts as we continue to try to be strong for our daughters and get answers for our family.
Thanks again to every single one of you that prayed over us today. It was truly amazing.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
A Fearful Farewell
Well, in less than an hour, Bob & I will leave the house, get in the car, head to the airport and board a plane to Boston for a week.....WITHOUT the kids. Though this is not the first time we have gone on a trip without them, this trip has me worried much more than the first.
I was very excited about this trip. So anxious to get away, spend a few days with colleagues, and then a couple more just Bob and I. And then? The seizure. It happened less than 2 weeks before we were to leave, and I immediately said I wasn't going. Doctors, Bob, the nanny, friends and family convinced me otherwise, so off I go.
This morning I asked a special friend at the church to pray that the girls would be fine while we were gone. She saw right through me. She said and I quote, "The girls WILL be fine. I'll pray for YOU." Am I that transparent? LOL. I balled my eyes out this morning in church just thinking about leaving, and asking God over and over to take care of them...and us...while we are gone. I asked for save travels, a safe return, and protection of all those involved in their care while we are gone. And though I am confident he will answer my prayer and deliver once again, I am fearful. I am scared to be so far away...this time more than ever. So, I need your prayer.
While I may not have found all that God has in store for me, I do know one of his purposes for me, and that is to be a mother. I love my kiddos so much....you never realize just how much until you're about to walk out the door. I can't wait to get back home, and I haven't even left.
I was very excited about this trip. So anxious to get away, spend a few days with colleagues, and then a couple more just Bob and I. And then? The seizure. It happened less than 2 weeks before we were to leave, and I immediately said I wasn't going. Doctors, Bob, the nanny, friends and family convinced me otherwise, so off I go.
This morning I asked a special friend at the church to pray that the girls would be fine while we were gone. She saw right through me. She said and I quote, "The girls WILL be fine. I'll pray for YOU." Am I that transparent? LOL. I balled my eyes out this morning in church just thinking about leaving, and asking God over and over to take care of them...and us...while we are gone. I asked for save travels, a safe return, and protection of all those involved in their care while we are gone. And though I am confident he will answer my prayer and deliver once again, I am fearful. I am scared to be so far away...this time more than ever. So, I need your prayer.
While I may not have found all that God has in store for me, I do know one of his purposes for me, and that is to be a mother. I love my kiddos so much....you never realize just how much until you're about to walk out the door. I can't wait to get back home, and I haven't even left.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Finding Purpose
So, a lot of time has passed since I've blogged. I don't really have a good excuse other than I've been busy...in a slump of sorts....lazy....any of those would work in my book.
As many of you know, last week was very traumatic for the Greenwood family, as our little one Aspynne, had a seizure on Tuesday morning out of nowhere. We spent all week stressing, having tests done, etc....only to find that she's just perfect (which we already knew). God has been amazing to me since last Tuesday...and it's really lit my fire. During Aspynne's seizure, I fell to my knees and cried out to God to save her. He did. The next day, I begged him to take the images of her seizing from my mind, as I could not get past them. He did. A couple days later, I asked him to please deliver me from being afraid to be around her. He has.
Yesterday, Addyson asked Jesus for a rainbow. And within minutes, he delivered.
He's given me so much this week....and I have to ask myself what I've given him. I've been volunteering in the Nursery/Preschool at church the past few weekends, and I'm really enjoying it. I would have never thought it would be something I wanted to do, but I felt called, I listened, and I am loving it.
A guest speaker at our church yesterday spoke about our "calling." I know that I've been chosen, and now, I feel like I'm being called. I just don't know where. I feel like there is something great out there for me. Something that I will truly love that I can serve Him and fulfil all of his plans for me doing. Maybe the Nursery/Preschool is the beginning of that "training" that I need before he sends me out....maybe it's not.
Bottom line is....I'm not sure how to find it. I am praying...because I know he answers prayer...that he will show me. I want it handed to me on a platter, or flashed in front of me like a neon sign. I'm ready. I'm willing. I just need to know where to go.
If you read this, say a little prayer for me. Pray that I will find whatever it is that God has for me to do so that I can take that leap of faith and follow His instruction.
It's not that I don't love my job, or my life, or where I'm at right now, I just feel like there's something MORE.
As many of you know, last week was very traumatic for the Greenwood family, as our little one Aspynne, had a seizure on Tuesday morning out of nowhere. We spent all week stressing, having tests done, etc....only to find that she's just perfect (which we already knew). God has been amazing to me since last Tuesday...and it's really lit my fire. During Aspynne's seizure, I fell to my knees and cried out to God to save her. He did. The next day, I begged him to take the images of her seizing from my mind, as I could not get past them. He did. A couple days later, I asked him to please deliver me from being afraid to be around her. He has.
Yesterday, Addyson asked Jesus for a rainbow. And within minutes, he delivered.
He's given me so much this week....and I have to ask myself what I've given him. I've been volunteering in the Nursery/Preschool at church the past few weekends, and I'm really enjoying it. I would have never thought it would be something I wanted to do, but I felt called, I listened, and I am loving it.
A guest speaker at our church yesterday spoke about our "calling." I know that I've been chosen, and now, I feel like I'm being called. I just don't know where. I feel like there is something great out there for me. Something that I will truly love that I can serve Him and fulfil all of his plans for me doing. Maybe the Nursery/Preschool is the beginning of that "training" that I need before he sends me out....maybe it's not.
Bottom line is....I'm not sure how to find it. I am praying...because I know he answers prayer...that he will show me. I want it handed to me on a platter, or flashed in front of me like a neon sign. I'm ready. I'm willing. I just need to know where to go.
If you read this, say a little prayer for me. Pray that I will find whatever it is that God has for me to do so that I can take that leap of faith and follow His instruction.
It's not that I don't love my job, or my life, or where I'm at right now, I just feel like there's something MORE.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Insecurity
Tonight we (a group of women from Valley Creek) started our summer book reading of Beth Moore's book So Long Insecurity: You've been a bad friend to us. It was great to be there...at church, surrounded by a bunch of women who are all fighting the same, but different, battles.
I loved the first couple chapters of the book and can't wait to read the rest. I got something tonight, however, that I didn't get while reading...
As several women were brave enough to share what they are insecure about I started thinking about what it is that I am most insecure about. And what did I realize?
I am insecure about being insecure.
Good grief. Really? Here I am with a bunch of women that have all kinds of insecurities. Women who are ready to share them, reach out for help with them, and most importantly, break free of them. And here I am, sitting there thinking What do they think of me? I'm the youngest one here. My story couldn't possibly top that. They all have a friend here. All these women look better than me. Their reasons behind their insecurities are so much better than mine. Heck...I don't even know what mine are!
I have a couple of thoughts...
#1. I have acceptance issues. I always have. I don't know what they stem from or what the root cause of these issues is....but I aim to find out. I am asking God to reveal the source to me so that I can break free.
#2. I always struggle with the fact that I don't have many friends. I realized tonight that the reason I probably don't have any friends is because I've let insecurity be my friend...and there's no room for anyone else. You've been a VERY bad friend, indeed!
I think if I can conquer these issues (which I believe are one in the same), I think I will be a whole new person. Someone that isn't constantly insecure about self worth. Someone that isn't incessantly self-consious. Someone that doesn't have a never-ending need to compare myself to others. Someone that doesn't pick fights just to win them so I can feel better about ME.
I look forward to the next chapter, and our next book club meeting. I look forward to praying very hard over the upcoming days and weeks for God to show me and reveal to me what's causing all this bondage. Beth Moore says that while insecurity is an epidemic, it's curable...and I want to be free.
I loved the first couple chapters of the book and can't wait to read the rest. I got something tonight, however, that I didn't get while reading...
As several women were brave enough to share what they are insecure about I started thinking about what it is that I am most insecure about. And what did I realize?
I am insecure about being insecure.
Good grief. Really? Here I am with a bunch of women that have all kinds of insecurities. Women who are ready to share them, reach out for help with them, and most importantly, break free of them. And here I am, sitting there thinking What do they think of me? I'm the youngest one here. My story couldn't possibly top that. They all have a friend here. All these women look better than me. Their reasons behind their insecurities are so much better than mine. Heck...I don't even know what mine are!
I have a couple of thoughts...
#1. I have acceptance issues. I always have. I don't know what they stem from or what the root cause of these issues is....but I aim to find out. I am asking God to reveal the source to me so that I can break free.
#2. I always struggle with the fact that I don't have many friends. I realized tonight that the reason I probably don't have any friends is because I've let insecurity be my friend...and there's no room for anyone else. You've been a VERY bad friend, indeed!
I think if I can conquer these issues (which I believe are one in the same), I think I will be a whole new person. Someone that isn't constantly insecure about self worth. Someone that isn't incessantly self-consious. Someone that doesn't have a never-ending need to compare myself to others. Someone that doesn't pick fights just to win them so I can feel better about ME.
I look forward to the next chapter, and our next book club meeting. I look forward to praying very hard over the upcoming days and weeks for God to show me and reveal to me what's causing all this bondage. Beth Moore says that while insecurity is an epidemic, it's curable...and I want to be free.
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